Project 'The One'
We’ve got love backward and it’s costing us
We’ve heard a lot about finding, 'The One.' Books have been written, blog posts published, tweets shared, and countless Instagram captions crafted around this elusive person.
7 signs that prove he is the one.
5 subtle wyas to know she is The One for you
Evidence that he is the one.
There’s so much noise that we often miss the most important component in any relationship: You-factor.
The Hidden Selfishness in Modern Love
Before diving deep, let me challenge a popular idea that’s quietly sabotaging your chances to a fulfilling relationship.
If you dig deep into the reasons you say you're looking for the one, you'll see that you are super focused on the notion, 'What is in it for me?' 'What do I stand to gain?' 'What does this person have to offer me?'
It is about someone who will help you be a better person.
It is about someone who will help you live your best life.
It is about someone who will help you reach your potential.
It is about someone who will help fulfill your romantic fantasies.
It is about finding someone who will be a good fit for you.
You notice the common pattern there?
Help you! For You! Your best life! Your fantasies!
It’s a self-centered framework that shifts responsibility away from you and onto the other person. It assumes a relationship is a transaction, like you’re the customer, and your partner is the product. This mindset distorts the very essence of love and connection.
So... What Is Love, Really?
Love is the one language the entire world speaks. Yet we have unique definitions and some are just outright overboard.
While most see it as transactional or a "me-first" concept, there is a definition worth sitting with, not to memorize or recite, but to filter your relationships through and reflect:
Love is not a feeling, like most think…
Love is giving another person what they need the most, when they deserve it the least at a great personal cost.
Chip Ingram
Love is giving. Not receiving, giving.
Ideal relationship dynamic
Let's paint this scenario together for a second.
What will your relationship look like if all you focused on was giving and your partner focused on doing the same?
You give gifts, you receive gifts.
You give words of affirmation, you receive words of affirmation.
You give comfort, you get comfort.
I don’t mean it as some "show me you love me before I love you" bullshit. This is just giving without expectations, and the other person does the same. It’s love in its purest form: mutual generosity.
When both you and your partner focus on meeting each other’s emotional needs, something magical happens: all needs are met without demand or entitlement. Because as you’re thinking, “How can I love my partner well today?” They’re thinking the same.
It's that simple.
That’s the heart of a fulfilling relationship: Two givers = Two fulfilled receivers.
Trendy but unbalanced relationship dynamic
When one person does all the giving and the other just receives, the balance breaks. Because in this, the burden of the relationship falls on the giver.
The giver becomes emotionally exhausted especially if they lack boundaries. They begin to perform, people-please, and eventually lose themselves in the process.
The receiver may feel overwhelmed because they are not giving the same energy, or it is 'too good to be true.' After all, they can't do that. Other times, the receiver may just take the giver for granted.
One giver and one receiver mess up the balance of love in the relationship. This dynamic leads to resentment, confusion, and the classic question: “Who loves who more?”
Choosing the One
So, when it comes to choosing The One, for once, flip the script. Don’t start with what they offer you. Start with what you’re willing to offer them.
This way, you'll know when you're ready, love, to give sacrificially. You'll know if you've healed from your past relationship hurts and you're willing to give again, and not the person coming to heal your wounds.
This way, you will know if you can give your all to this person, and not just based on what the person is saying or offering. Like my friend says, 'If I don't see myself giving my all to that person, I don't see myself loving that person the way he'll want to be loved.'
This is you being accountable, taking responsibility for who you'll give all of yourself—time, energy, efforts, interests, good and bad—to.
Because choosing “The One” is less about finding the perfect person and more about becoming the kind of person who can love well, fully, and freely.
Being The One
We’ve lost out on meaningful relationships because we were too busy evaluating people through the lens of “What can they offer me?” But what if, just once, you asked:
Can I give this person the love they deserve?
Can I be a safe place, a steady presence, a giver — not a taker?
Can I add value to this person?
If they’re ready to give, be ready to give too. Not to take. Not to test. But to show up, heart first.
This way, it is not about finding the one; it is about being The One. Not being entitled to receiving love, but being the giver of love.
If you’re not ready to give, you’re not ready to love.
And no matter how many boxes they tick—values, beliefs, dreams, aesthetics— if you can’t give your full heart to them, they’re not The One.
Be the One and let the One come find you. Why do I find this funny?
Thank you for reading
—
Oluwafemi